For immediate release:

This year, Canadian taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. Wouldn’t economy do well if government stopped robbing people via taxation extortion? In fact, maybe it wouldn’t have soured in the first place?
A. Shut up.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But I hear people are saving money and paying off debt.  Isn’t this simply a round-about subsidy to the banks who create money out of thin air as you gave them the license to counterfeit money when they issue a loan?
A. Shut up.

Q. OK.  If I am to buy a flat screen TV, which one should I buy?
A. It doesn’t matter.  My spouse and my colleagues’ spouses bought as much stock as we could in companies who make flat screen TV’s, prior to this announcement.  I also have a position waiting for me at one of these companies in return for the favour when I leave office. Funny how that works out…for me.  Was that out loud?

Q. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?
A. When you have a monopoly on violence you can do pretty much what you want.  You need not be consistent in any viewpoint.  People have been scammed into thinking voting can change things.  If it really could, we’d have made voting illegal.  Ooops.  Was that out loud again?

Q.   If we made stuff they wanted with the money we send them, I can see how it might work, but bottom line is that we buy the crap they make, but we don’t buy the crap we make..which is very little these days.  So how does this help the Canadian economy?  Doesn’t it really stimulate the Chinese economy?
A. Shut up.

Q. How long will countries that make stuff accept our money – which loses value to inflation – if we have nothing to offer them?  Won’t they stop after a while?  When we have no skills left?  When they buy out all of our hard assets like real estate, mines and mining rights, or whatever we have left at firesale prices?
A. Shut up.

So let me get this straight. It’s kinda hard for the layperson like me to get my head around it:

Q) You lowered interest rates in 2000-2001 to levels we hadn’t seen in 40 years or so to stave off the dot com recession and the fragile nerves of people post 9/11, right?
A) Right.

Q) You didn’t want that little recession to hurt people who flocked to the over-inflated dot com industry as a result of wild speculation, right?
A) Right.

Q) So by lowering interest rates, this encourages people to borrow and spend, right?
A) Right.

Q) Doesn’t lowering interest rates make otherwise impractical projects practical? Or sometimes, if all that new money flows into a particular asset class, like housing, it causes the value of that asset to rise? Isn’t this called malinvestment? I.e. Investing in something that doesn’t really meet market demand because interest rates distort market decisions?

Q) So loose credit policies you authorized (easy money) created the housing bubble? I.e. People were afraid *NOT* to get a loan to buy a house otherwise they thought they would be priced out of the market? This encourages speculative behaviour, right? Even prudent savers would be tempted, no? It’s a positive re-enforcing loop, is it not?  In otherwords, most people acting in their rational economic self-interest based on the market distortions you created *CAUSED* their – in the oft repeated phrase of the former head of the Federal Reserve – “irrational exuberance”?
A) I suppose it is.

Q) So YOU created the market distortion that led to a boom in housing! Yet, when things go bust, the free market takes the blame? Because of your disastrous monetary policies? What’s free market about that?
A) Shut up.

Q) Isn’t a free market and a central bank opposite ideas? If one exists, the other doesn’t?
A) Shut up.

Q) I know what I’ll do, I’ll vote someone in who understands what you’re up to and will fix your wagon! What do you think of that?
A) Good luck with that. Blue, Red, Orange, or Green…knock yourself out. It doesn’t matter. There is no real choice in your feudal system. Only top and bottom.   I’m on top…and you’re not.

That’s all the time we have for today!  I hoped you enjoyed the new Q and A format. Thanks for coming! Don’t let the door hit your a$$ on the way out!

Below is some helpful advice on how to best to help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic, in which case it will go to the US, and they need the money more than us, actually).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the Canadian economy.

We want to keep that money here in  Canada . You can keep the money in Canada by spending it at yard sales, going to a hockey game, or spend it on strippers, domestic beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in Canada.